My Fibro and me.

Something I had loved as a child…but forgot about as I progressed into bigger, greater forms of art like ceramics and furniture. 

But it still remained there in my aesthetics, the delicate pleating in my sewing, or my desire to iron with devilish precision.

And now, in the course of my illness, it has resurfaced.  Though now it has an adult form, abstract and modular.  I use it as a delicate  escape, a transformative therapy for my weakening fingers.  It feels good to finish something, feel it finally be the form it was meant to be.  Paper is light, strong, and forgiving.

Exactly the things I need.

I have to have them.  I love them.  Even though my Mother is a firm feminist, like “burn your bra” “heels are tortures made by men” kind of feminist, which I respect, but I had no room to explore my adoration for heels until I moved out of the house, for fear of all the “shortened tendons” and “ruining your back” kind of feedback.

Now that I’m on my own, I can have and wear as many heels as I want.  However, I am still finding a lot of criticism.  For instance, because some days it’s excrutiating just to walk around, people say “Why do you wear high heels if you have trouble with pain?”

Answer:

It is pain on my own terms.

I don’t get to choose when I hurt and when I don’t in pretty much all regions but my feet.  I get to control them, put them in what I want, suffer for the beauty if I want, or wear loafers.  I love high heels, they are feminine, sexy, and I have noticed that just a different choice of shoes can put a totally different cast to your persona.  Because I have dreadlocks but dress fairly clean and modern, people around my campus have started to refer to me as the “High Heeled Hippy”…

I think I’m okay with that.

Some days my twitches are very severe, especially after I take my medicines.  Boyfriend says it is a common side effect of one of my meds, and also an outward symptom of Fibro.  I am still waiting on Dr.s for a diagnosis, but as a scientist I have done my own research, and all my charts and bloodwork are now available to me online….and damn I have been tested for just about everything but HIV/AIDs.  There are also common trends that have been present throughout my life; such as a pronounced tendency to get UTIs/bladder infections, brittle nails, and the severe swelling I experienced while having mononucleosis (which is not a classic symptom of mono), all point to what we know of Fibromyalgia.  Of course, right now it is a diagnosis of exclusion….which I am still waiting on.

I feel like my fingernails are committing mutiny…they are just flaking off my fingers.

Has just been ridiculous.  Everything was full of being behind, of rushing around, and then just waiting.  Thank you for your patience and kindness Zacky B, even though we don’t always get things done, I always enjoy the time.

I am going home and going to bed.